The Short Patrol
by Emalynn Eleriel
Summary: My first attempt at a completely humor fic, at least Bryony thought it was funny. It's about a clumsy young hare named Tebier and his wacky adventures.


1 THE SHORT PATROL  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Are you in trouble again, Tebier?" asked Englia exasperatedly , as her son was pulled by his ear toward the chamber of the badger lord. It was the third time that week that Tebier had managed to have an accident so bizarre that he was dragged down seemingly endless corridors to Urthwyte's chamber. Tebier wasn't a bad hare, he was just really clumsy.  
  
"I slipped! I wasn't being bad!" Tebier protested, as he was dragged forcibly down the hall.  
  
"Of course, young rip, you slipped, sent a rather large tray of grub sailing through the air, which hit old Melderic, knocking him out of his chair and onto your little sister, who is still screaming so loud that your granmum will start complaining about going deaf, and we'll have to listen to another of her noise pollution lectures at dinner tonight!" ranted Bompie, stopping to catch his breath, "And then there was the incident at breakfast! I still haven't gotten the oatmeal outa me ear!"  
  
Chapter 2  
  
"Now what have you done?" said Urthwyte, trying to hide his amusment.  
  
"I ,um, I sli-ii-ipped-dd si-ir-re,"said a very nervous Tebier.  
  
"The damage, Officer Bompie?"  
  
"Well, old Melderic is out cold, and his sis is screamin' louder than a badger taken by the bally Bloodwrath! No offense sire!"  
  
"None taken," said Urthwyte than shivered, "The Bloodwrath is a terrible thing. That little one must really be screaming!" he added with a chuckle. "Tebier, I'm afraid I've got to send you away. We don't have time to clean up all your messes, but I know somewhere where they do. How would you like to live at Redwall for awhile? It might be good for you !"  
  
"I've never been to the abbey before, though Sergeant Clabby said they have wonderful tucker there!" Tebier said, getting excited.  
  
"Hares, they always speak through their stomachs!" chuckled Urthwyte as Tebier and Bompie left to plan for the journey.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"Awful big for a bally Abbey, wot wot?" mumbled Tebier in his sleep. Bompie laughed, thinking that the little one had a LONG way to go. Tebier suddenly rolled over and sat up, "What's for brekkers ?" This was going to be a long day for Tebier, starting with a very meager breakfast.  
  
"I haven't eaten for bally ages!" panted Tebier, "I think it's been a whole 2 hours!"  
  
""Well, in that case you won't be eaten for ages more, it's not even noon!"  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Tebier groaned. He was hungry, tired, and stiff. He was "soft" as Bompie put it. He lived his entire life being babied by his mother. Bompie called the journey a "short patrol", but Tebier didn't see what was so short about it. They had marched all day, for THREE days! They still weren't at the abbey. Tebier had tried complaining. All he had gotten was a lecture on whose fault it was that they had to leave Salamandastron, and that they were lucky that they hadn't had any run ins with local vermin tribes.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Bompie came to regret that last statement, when one day a scraggly looking weasel appeared out of the brush.  
  
"Hand over the vittles, or yor dead 'uns!" said the weasel maliciously, aiming his vicious looking knife at first Tebier, then Bompie.  
  
Then, all of a sudden, a squirrel came swining through the trees. "Die vermin! DIIIIEEEE!" She screamed like a madbeast as she sailed past the afore mentioned vermin and into a tree.  
  
Tebier laughed despite their predicamet. The weasel, who was still searching for the source of the scream, whirled around, "What'd you think is so funny, rabbit?"  
  
"Beg pardon, sah! It's jolly bad form to address a hare as a rabbit !" remarked Tebier, hoping to gain some time.  
  
Meanwhile, vermin were slowly appearing around them, blocking off all possible escape routes. Tebier and Bompie had no choice but to give up their provisions.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Unfortunately that wasn't all that the vermin wanted. They gagged Tebier and Bompie, but left the mysterious (and most likely deranged) squirrel lying on the ground. They didn't know that she was Marlia the Magnificent, the lead act of a troupe of performing acrobats (her fellow proformers found her later, on their way to Redwall Abbey).  
  
"These two should bring a nice deal," said the leader, smiling wickedly. It was easy to see that he was smarter than the average vermin, his eyes had an arrogant, proud look in them. "The young 'un looks like he could use a taste of the hard life, eh boyos?  
  
"Mmmphh! Hhhherry Errmm!" Tebier started to lash out, despite his bonds. The vermin just laughed maliciously, and started to drag the captives away. Tebier blacked out.  
  
Chapter 7  
  
The vermin weren't exactly shaking in their skin when they realized they were within 5 miles of Redwall Abbey. They didn't know of Cluny, or any of the other (crazed) individuals who had ordered their armies to attack. They also didn't know about the eyes that were watching them carefully from the trees. They made jokes about the kind of creatures who lived there, yet they didn't know that the Abbot had sent out a patrol as soon as one of the woodlanders had informed him about their captives.  
  
"Get offa me paw!" a shrew whispered angrily.  
  
"SHHHH!"  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"What's what, adlebrain?"  
  
"Didn' ya hear nothin? Sounded like a group of beasts sayin' SHHH!"  
  
"Der called chirpers, you overgrown excuse for a rat!"  
  
The crew of rescuers took advantage of the arguing guards to sneak into the camp where the prisoners were kept. Quickly an otter unbound the slleping captives, but left on the gags, so that they would not be discovered. He shook the captives into wakefulness, and motioned for them to follow him.  
  
Tebier felt a rush of excitement. They were escaping!  
  
Then their luck worsened. It started to rain, and thunder. Softly at first, then harder and louder, until the company had to take shelter in a cave.  
  
As you may or may not know, unique habits are called idiosyncrasies, and if you haven't already guessed, Tebier's was slipping at the worst possible time (and place), and the results were always catastrophic. This time was no different. Tebier slipped on a wet rock, fell hard and knocked over an argumentative shrew, who fell on a sharp rock, jumped up screaming, and immediately started a fight, which lasted all night, so no one got much sleep and everyone was rather grumpy when they continued their trip. ( Oh, Tebier was ungaged after awhile. Bompie too.  
  
Now since this is a humorous story, you might have guessed the ending. If yo uthought that Tebier would make it to the Abbey, overcome his clumsiness and join Marlia the Magnificent's troupe of performing acrobats, you were right. Congratulations.  
  
PROLOUGE: Tebier retired early, after a very unsuccessful career. He became head taste-tester at Salamandastron, after being sent away 5 times (after some of his accidents). 


End file.
